I feel like I’m suffocating. I dont want to live here anymore. I’m just not happy. I wish it was as easy as snapping my fingers and boom I’m happy. I wish I could be with my family. I wish I could run away. I wish someone would come sweep me off my feet and make me feel better. I want someone that would do absolutely anything for me. Someone who thinks I’m amazing and smart and never fails to make me feel beautiful. I guess that’s my job now. I can’t rely on people to make me feel good. It would just be nice to have someone be head over heels for me. I’m tired of love. Its a joke with no punchline…just sad.
I wonder if when you dream of someone you’ve never met…are they dreaming of you? And if/when you meet…will you automatically know its them? Will you feel the same connection that you felt with them in the dream? I’m unsure…and I’m ambivalent with the idea.
Ya know im never sure if I believe in god or whatever is up there. But I always find myself praying…maybe its to the universe. Today I prayed that I get the job at the CGHS (columbia-greene humane society). I said that I would never ask for anything else. I need to be a part of something like that. I need to work with the pitbulls that they have that will not get adopted out because of their temper. I feel bad for them. I am never afraid of dogs. I know there is some good in there somewhere…and its a horrible thing that they have to get put down because so many people are afraid. They are mean and aggressive because not one person in their entire lives has shown them the littlest bit of love and compassion. They are abused, bruised and neglected. They are trained to fight and hunt. They dont know the difference. They think all humans are the same once they have been beaten by one. Some come out timid and afraid…but not aggressive. The aggressive ones just need a little extra work. When I own my shelter in the future…it will be solely focused on behavior. There are ways to correct these behaviors…they are BEHAVIORS. We pump anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, anti-anxiety and blah blah blah into people when they are showing signs of bad or weird behavior, and people do not get put to sleep because they are aggressive. Yes I can understand if a person kills another person they should die…unless it was an accident. No one ever thinks about the past of the dog. No one ever realizes that aggression isnt evil anger, its fear…just fear. They arent confident in themselves that they can survive whatever they are afraid of…so they become defensive. They think this human is going to hurt them again. How is there not a training and rehabilitation program for aggressive animals? Why are people so quick to abandon and/or kill their animal because it bites? Correct the problem! these are living breathing beings with emotions just like people. Yeah maybe they dont speak english, they cant do the dishes. But, like babies, being neglected can severely alter brain chemistry and produce fear. Think about little kids in the hood…they grow up to be gang-bangers because they had to defend themselves young from the fears around them. They arent allowed to be scared because if they are and if they show it…then they get beat up, killed, pushed out. I know that might not be the best analogy, but it fits doesnt it?
I feel that laziness is #1. People are too lazy to train their dogs the right way. People just want a nice lap dog, or a dog that will bring them the damn paper in the morning. The fact of the matter is that dogs are still wild animals…they are not domesticated…they are in captivity. They have certain brain cells that tell them what to be afraid of and they remember. These animals arent stupid. I have the smartest dog i’ve ever know, and guess what she is a pitbull.
Sometimes I just feel that maybe im not from this planet, because the humans around me in this world are just lazy, disrespectful and ignorant. How can I be one in a million? where are the people that think like me? Where are the smart people that make intelligent conscious decisions? where are the people that plan their lives and prepare for whatever consequences may come their way from the choices they make?
Maybe I should become an astronaut and find a planet like earth…and bring the smart ones with me.
I dont wanna live on this planet anymore. Its just sad.